Disappointment

19.2 and it’s a workout that looks right in my wheelhouse. Headspace is feeling better, and I’ve picked targets for things I can control – not the end score, or placing, but what I am going to do in the wod: sets of 5 toes-to-bar (ttb), unbroken double unders, singles for the lifts. Do that and the score will follow. I prepared myself for the squats to hurt, and reminded myself that I am capable of driving through it.

The workout started well. Toes-to-bar were good, I nailed the skipping unbroken, the 40kg Squat Cleans felt ok, I got into a rhythm and worked through them. Round two and I adjusted ttb to match how I was feeling, it was still going well. I tripped once on the skipping, but otherwise hung on till the end. The barbell was heavy and my first lift was a bit ropey, but the second was back on track. My coach was in my ear reminding me to focus on one thing – getting my elbows through was my only job. It was going ok – then just 3 lifts to go. I started thinking that I might make the time cap and get to the next round, then, that I was tired, and it was hard, and then, I forgot to think about the lifts at all (despite my coaches best efforts!).

Failed lift.

Deep breath – still heaps of time. I picked up the bar but didn’t put 100% effort or focus into the mechanics of the lift. My brain was all about: I have to make it, I don’t think I can, grip and rip.

Failed Lift.

I nod at my coach when he says to focus on elbows, hearing it, but not acting on it. Then I go through the lift with the exact same thought pattern…and with the same result.

Time’s up.

I’m gutted. Physically I could have done it, I feel like I’ve let down my coach, and myself – we’d talked about this, I know this, I can do better, and once again my headspace lets me down.

Queue the internal argument: “It’s a skill I have to learn, and practice, and it is unreasonable to expect myself to get it right all the time” vs “I should have done better, I’m not good enough, and my coach won’t want to keep putting effort into someone who doesn’t get it”

Then the angst:
Do I redo it? But what if I do worse? What if it happens again? If I redo, am I going against my “why” and my aim for the open? I will have other opportunities to practice that mindset…do I throw this one in the fuck-it bucket and move on? What’s best for me, for the long game?

Interestingly, compared to last week, I am not really worried about the actual score. My mind is entirely focused on what could have been (or the way my inner critic phrases it: what I should have done). On reflection I could take this as a positive – my plan was to focus on the process, not the outcome, and I’ve certainly achieved that. I am disappointed in execution and I’m not thinking of the end result.

That answers the question of a redo for me – changing the score isn’t going to change the disappointment of the execution, but I can learn from it and put myself in situations, and the mindset, to practice putting 100% focus into every lift / every rep, in training and in competition.

I now have a new Mantra: “Every. Rep.”

That’s my queue to focus on “the one thing” for the execution of that rep, whether it be Squat Cleans (elbows through hard), TTB (feet together in the arch), Box Step Overs (stay low) or Skipping (relax the jaw).

Bring on 19.3!