It’s been a while…the truth is,
I’ve been sad.
Not because I’ve survived a tragic event, not because I’ve suffered adversity, not because I’ve had to overcome hardship, not because I’ve been treated poorly, not even that anything bad has happened to me.
My life is good; I’m healthy, my friends and family are healthy, I have a wonderful home with a loving, supportive partner, adorable pets, a good job working with good people – there is no reason that I can find to explain it – but I’ve been sad.
Some days it’s a background of sad – as if I am walking around in damp socks, no-one else can really tell but I can’t get comfortable, the sunshine doesn’t seem to warm me up, and I can’t seem to shake it.
Some days it’s waves of sadness, often catching me off guard and dumping on me, knocking me over until I feel like I sit there stunned, trying to get up in time before the next wave hits. Sometimes I know it is coming, so I brace myself in the hope it won’t knock me down, but the constant bracing for impact leaves me stuck, unable to move forward.
I’ve been sad.
I’ve been using all my energy to do the basics – go to work, go to the gym, do just enough to appear in the outside world. My partner has picked up everything else, keeping the household running, looking after me.
He’s reassured me that just doing the basics is enough. He does all the things, and has not once shown any resentment or frustration that I’m not pulling my weight. I couldn’t pull it off without him.
I’ve been sad,
and tired.
It has taken time, months even, just existing for me to get to the point I can start to get better, where I can start to put in the work and thoughts to find myself again. To get to the point where the background sad is only there sometimes, where the waves of sadness are the occasional ripple, no longer dumping on me. To get to the point where I have some energy again, where I can start to thing beyond the basics. To get to here.
I have to be careful though, it doesn’t take much to tip the scales, to overspend my energy reserves – I’m not “better” just yet. There is still the odd rogue wave – and when you aren’t expecting it, it can really floor you. Like hitting a pothole at just the wrong angle and it sending you headfirst into a fence. Worse when you thought you were on a smooth straightaway and had negotiated your way through all the speedbumps.
I am however now able to reflect a bit, to quietly allow myself to observe my thoughts and start to reorder them.
It turns out, that if I keep pushing myself when I start to feel overwhelmed I fall down this hole, and it takes a long time to get out of it – even if the stress that was overwhelming me disappears. I’m coming to learn that I am the only one that can sense that, and I am the only one that can stop that. I’m also realizing that whatever that limit is, is mine. It’s irrelevant if someone else can ‘cope’. It’s irrelevant if someone else could do it ‘better’. It’s irrelevant if someone else thinks I ‘should’.
My capacity and capabilities are mine, and I am the gatekeeper. It is up to me.
And on that note, I’m going to leave it there for today with the aim of having tomorrow as a dry sock day.
Average Crossfit Junkie 