Week Two of the Open. One week after making the conscious decision to face my inner critic, break down the components of my thinking and train my mental strength.
So far, I’ve identified three core questions to consider, to keep asking until I get to the honest, scary and brutal answer, not giving up and accepting the superficial, pretty, social media answer.
This will take time. If it doesn’t, I won’t have really got to the core of things. I’ll be pushing it under the carpet, again, and best case scenario, it will seep out when I least want it to. Worst case, it will flood out when I can least deal with it, when I have nothing in reserve, and it could break me.
Attempting to work through these ingrained thought patterns and understanding where they come from on a schedule dictated by the Open will not be helpful. Open throw-downs are however the perfect place to practice the tangible lessons I’ve already learnt – but only if I approach them as such. Just like any physical training session, I need to plan what I am going to practice, then reflect on how it went, what I am going to learn from it, and then feed that into the next opportunity.
20.2 was all about focusing on my purpose – why I was taking part, what I wanted to get out of it, and holding on to some key phrases to make that happen.
How did I do?
Have a plan and follow it through – Tick.
Think about how it will feel – Tick.
Be present in the moment, stick to one thing – Tick.
Focus on the process, not the outcome – Tick.
Cherish people and community – Tick.
That is the definition of good enough.
I felt good, and proud, and happy. I enjoyed the process, I enjoyed taking part and I enjoyed being part of the community.
When people ask me how I went, my response is based on what I was measuring my performance by, not the scoreboard. It wasn’t perfect, there is certainly room for improvement. I think I had a bit more in me and I would like to learn to push that little bit harder. I tend to err on the conservative side due, I’m sure, to a fear of failure – what will happen if I push too far? It will take the right opportunity to test that one but I’m not convinced that the open is the place to do it – perhaps more something to try in a class WOD. Actually go out and try and win the first round whatever the consequences. I will keep this in mind and pick a workout to test this out – probably once I am feeling a little less beaten up.
This open I have also made the decision to not look at the leader-board – how I am going compared to other people is irrelevant, and while I am still working on my mental strength in truly believing this, there is no need to make my journey more difficult by putting that front of mind. Eventually, I’d hope that I can be strong enough in myself that checking the scoreboard won’t impact my head-space, but until then there is no need to add to the challenge.
So far, this strategy is working really well and is keeping me away from the comparison game and helping me to focus on what is important to me. I’m not quite sure yet how I’m going to play it when it is all done and dusted – perhaps then I’ll take a gander and work through any emotions it throws up then – but I’ve got three more workouts to tackle first.
During this “Open of Self Discovery” I am going to put a concerted effort into facing my inner critic and training my mental strength, specifically as it relates to Crossfit. There will, undoubtedly, be cross overs with the rest of life and it is not a case of only thinking about this while working out. The thought patterns I want to foster will need to be practiced everywhere and often.
There are a number of questions to ask myself, none of them are easy, but all important to really think about and answer honestly.
What is my (Crossfit) goal?
I think I should be better – why?
How do I define “enough”?
These are ‘root’ questions, they are in addition to the lessons I learnt in the last open and it is important that those lessons don’t get lost, forgotten about or glossed over. They took me from where I was to here; a place where I can contemplate these bigger concepts. Without taking that step 6 months ago, I wouldn’t be in a position to grow further now.
What is my goal?
I have thought about this a lot. It is not about what I think other people expect of me, it is not a goal about being ‘the best’, and it can be challenging to admit that there is nothing special about it, anyone could have this as their goal if they wanted.
“Goal” might not actually be the best term for it, it is not a SMART goal, it is really a value, an intent, a purpose.
My Crossfit Purpose
Become as good at Crossfit as I can, while enjoying actually doing it, being part of the community and keeping a balance between Crossfit and life as a 40-something year old with a wonderful boyfriend, dog, friends and a full-time career.
How can I live up to this? What do I need to do to fulfill it?
Go to classes – I want to enjoy the community aspect of this, it’s not about spending hours training by myself. I could get ‘better’ this way, get stronger, fitter, have better skills, but it loses part of the point of it for me.
Commit to a certain amount of time – an hour or so a day during the week, the occasional weekend, some stretching at home in the evening. That’s it. This is a big part of making sure I keep the balance – both in terms of energy and time.
Choose people over Crossfit – if there is something I want to do, or people I want to catch up with, and it means missing a class or an extra training session, choose people. Not all the time, Crossfit is important to me, but missing one session over a week is not going to be detrimental to my goal.
Give 100% focus – to whatever it is I choose to do in that moment. If it is Crossfit – focus on what is going to make me better at Crossfit while I’m there. If it is spending time with my boyfriend – be present, focus on us and what we are doing. If it is going out for Brunch with friends – be there, enjoy the food, relax. Make the choice and then focus on whatever it is and get the most out of it.
It seems relatively straight forward and, in reality, it is. The tricky part is owning it, being prepared to shout it from the rooftops, and living it. I have to remember the why and not get caught up in the hype and competition which starts dragging me into a space that is at odds with what I truly want. I have to be prepared to say No to some things and Yes to others because that is what will align with my purpose, not other people’s.
With 20.2 getting announced tomorrow, it’s time to focus on that. How am I going to approach it, what do I want to get out of it, and how do I give myself the best chance of enjoying it?
Keeping my overarching purpose in mind, and remembering the lessons I learnt last time round, it actually isn’t that complicated.
I’m there to enjoy doing Crossfit, to be part of the community and be my best Crossfitter. What I want out of doing an open workout is the chance to workout with my friends, to support others, to practice responding to an intense situation, to identify where my capabilities lie and where I can make changes for the better.
How do I achieve that?
Think: Just do you. How will it feel? Every. Rep. Have Fun. Kia Kaha.
20.1 10 Rounds 8 x Ground to Overhead, 10 Over the Bar Burpees. 15 Min cap.
This was my first time doing the open at Plus 64 during “Friday Night Lights”. It was an awesome vibe, full of awesome people, heaps of awesome support and awesome energy.
How’d you go?
Stoked – just 7 short!
But is that an honest answer? I actually don’t know…I did a thing. Other people did better. Could I?
I am struggling to keep my perspective in check – I know no-one gives a shit about my score, and neither should I – but I do. I don’t like not being good at stuff…and I don’t like not liking being good at stuff. I want to be that person that can genuinely leave their ego at home, that doesn’t compare themselves to others, that can define good enough in their own terms.
I’m not entirely sure how to get there. I’ve listened to podcasts, I’ve read books, I know the theory: have a growth mindset, focus on the lessons you can learn, judge the effort not the outcome, everyone is on a different journey, you against you…
I have been here before though – hell, I wrote a blog about it! And I thought I ‘got it’ – but was that just lip service, was it actually because the results were good at the same time? Was I kidding myself?
At this point I figure I have two options:
Fake it – keep saying I am stoked, I am content with my score, and go into the rest of the open paying lip service to the concept of me Vs me – and maybe the results will mean I can feel good and pretend that it’s because I cracked the mind games. Maybe, if I pretend hard enough, it will become true.
Or Face it – dig deep, be vulnerable, and force myself to do the hard yards and confront what I’m feeling and actually get mentally stronger.
There have been plenty of triggers over the last few months that are worthy of inspection, reflection and sharing – but I’ve been perfectly happy sweeping them under the rug, polishing the floorboards, and presenting a tidy and uncluttered house.
There was the Masters League competition that I got an ego kicking in, not to mention the roller-coaster impact of leader-boarding on my Psyche. Various new box, new coaches, new people challenges and wins, as well as angsting over whether or not to decline a competition invite.
The ostrich strategy appeared to be working though, and life was ticking along nicely. I was making some good gains in the box, had a fantastic holiday with my boyfriend lined up, there would be a good few weeks before the next competition and I was feeling good.
I got sick – one week out from a two week vacation – not really ill, but sick enough I couldn’t train. It started playing on my mind; this now means I am having three weeks off , I’m going to lose a lot in three weeks… Nothing I could do about it though, and I wasn’t about to interrupt our holiday with training. Between work, my crossfit obsession and general life, the two of us don’t get a lot of time to just hang-out together during the year – so holidays away are treasured, crossfit takes a break, and we spend quality time together.
The holiday was fabulous! Relaxed time together, great sights, adventures, amazing weather, obligatory handstands, genuine fun – and food…so much food.
As soon as we hit the ground in Christchurch we both agreed we needed to get nutrition back on point; a few weeks without takeaways and desserts was in order. I vowed that I wasn’t going to weigh myself, but would take ‘progress’ photos instead – much better for my headspace. I hit the gym.
Let the mind games begin…
Day One and I was nervous about even turning up – everyone would notice how fat I was and how lazy I must have been. Queue epic fail (thankfully not a physical injury) on box jumps so the whole class notices my lack of co-ordination. I felt as though all my fitness, strength and skills had disappeared.
Day Two and I am still very conscious of the change in body composition and worry about what I am going to wear, but I start to get back into the swing of things. Fitness still feels woeful, and strength and skills are AWOL, but I am at least getting some co-ordination back.
Week Two and it’s all still feeling rough. Then I have a WOD that I have scaled to what I think is reasonable for me post-holiday. It is a grind. I take big rests. I don’t finish. And I don’t cope well. It takes a lot to not burst into tears. I beat myself up about it for the rest of the day – both for my efforts, and for my reaction.
I weigh myself.
I start stressing over food. I eat what I’ve planned to, but I am still hungry and don’t know what I should eat – so don’t. Now I am hungry, tired, grumpy, listening to the inner voice that tells me I’m fat and therefore ‘less’, and I realise the Crossfit Open is right around the corner, and another big competition is only 3 weeks away.
I’m unsure about even signing up for the open, me now feels like less than me last time – so even if I do manage to leave my ego at home, me Vs me is not going to come out on top, and is not going to be good enough.
I’m battling. I keep turning up, but I am battling.
I have a meltdown during lifting – things were actually going pretty awesome, then I put 40 kg on the bar. I baulked. I baulked again. I dropped the weight down. I baulked again. My coach had a word; I competed the lift, but I didn’t celebrate, I dropped my head, criticized myself, and walked away defeated.
I was, quite rightly, called out on my attitude – but it stung, I wasn’t in a place I could take it constructively, and I broke down. Not a proud moment. Not how I want to react.
I kept turning up, but also kept telling myself I wasn’t in a good headspace, and still didn’t actually do anything to change it. I figured if I put in the physical work, the headspace would come right. To some extent it did. I had a couple of small personal wins, I asked for help with my nutrition, and I started feeling better. Just enough that I could go back to glossing over it and not have to actually work on it. I sign up for the open, because that’s what someone who has got it together would do. Not signing up would suggest I still had work to do on my mental game.
Well that’s interesting…2 weeks in, and the negative spiral has already started.
Let me start back a bit.
At the end of last year, I decided I would jump on the macro counting bandwagon – I was training hard and wanted to make sure I was maximising my gains by fueling my body better.
I did some research, talked to my coach, and quizzed friends who were macro counting and performing well (and looking ripped!). I found an App, calculated my numbers and set about meal prepping. It wasn’t about losing weight (but I wasn’t going to be disappointed if some of the extra padding shifted), it was about being a better crossfitter. I weighed, and counted, ate and recorded…. and was hungry – really hungry.
The app flashed up angry red warnings if I went over my carbs or fat numbers. It showed me everything; daily breakdown of the macros, per meal, average over the week, pretty green graphs when I was under the calorie count, alarming red graphs for went I was over, predictions of what I’d weigh in 5 weeks.
And then I started trying to win – not just staying in the green, but beating it – by eating less and making sure the prediction of how much I would weigh kept decreasing. I was weighing myself daily, aiming for a lower and lower number. My partner would find me standing, almost paralyzed by angst, in the middle of the kitchen trying to meal prep; trying to plan an entire weeks worth of food, that hit all the numbers less a bit. It wasn’t an eating disorder. I was still eating sufficient calories, I was losing weight, but slowly, sensibly. I was still able to train five times a week, I wasn’t losing strength. I was fine…
Luckily I’m just self aware enough to know that that was a bit of a lie, something wasn’t right. It might not be an eating disorder, but it was definitely disordered eating. Even luckier – I have some amazing friends I could turn to for help. One in particular read the tumble of thoughts I’d sent her, and responded immediately with “I think we should talk – come over for coffee”. She dropped what she was doing to listen, to help me rationalise my thoughts, and to help me come up with a plan.
Stop.
Just stop; stop counting, stop tracking, stop weighing, uninstall the app, and then, start just eating. If I’m hungry, eat. Enjoy food.
I wasn’t in a head-space where I could work though the root causes and try to fix them. I was broken, and just needed to get back to a place where I was OK. We talked at length, through tears, and established that to get there – to OK – I needed to trust myself. I know how to eat generally well, I exercise, and the worst that was going to happen if I just ate, was (realistically for me) I’d put on a few kilo’s and have to buy some new clothes. Not the end of the world, and certainly nothing that couldn’t be managed when, or if, it happened.
So I did – I stopped. I stopped the obsessing, I went back to just eating food. I uninstalled the app and put away the scales. It took some mental strength, it wasn’t easy, I still had to fight against the pull of feeling in control, but I had support. I shared what I was doing, and why, with my partner, my friends and my coach. There was not one negative comment or glance. Not one thing said to suggest I was “being silly”, or that there was any reason for me to not trust myself. And it worked. I was happier, and less hungry, and it was OK.
The plan was to get to a better headspace, and then, when I had some emotional reserves, I should tackle this big, scary, emotional trigger and unpack it, depower it. But that’s hard, and while I was going along ‘just eating’, there was no need. I was good; nothing to see here.
Fast forward a few months, factor in an upheaval of routine, sense of place and belonging, and introduce new opportunities for my inner critic to make ‘not good enough’ comparisons and then re-introduce Macro counting. In hindsight, perhaps not the cleverest of plans.
It was going to be different this time though, I was going to approach it differently – review it as an afterthought rather than plan out a day, a week.
Yeah, Right.
Two weeks in, and I realise the negative spiral has started again. Not only am I obsessing, hungry, focused on my weight, and trying to win at eating, I am not eating well. I eat junk – under the guise of “see, I’m fine, I’m not obsessing, it’s not controlling me” – but then punish myself by skipping meals. I feel awful, my inner critic is constantly telling me I need to lose weight, that I’m fat, and useless and not good enough.
Turns out, if you don’t actually address the root cause of problems, if you don’t break triggering behaviours down and understand them, nothing changes. The triggers still trigger, and the outcomes are the same. Who knew?
For now, I am going back to ‘just eating’. I don’t like the fact that my head is broken when it comes to food and my sense of self worth, but it is, and not putting myself in a situation where that causes problems isn’t coping out – it’s looking after myself. If I injure myself, I stop doing the thing that makes it hurt – and this is exactly the same. Whether or not it is sensible to think I will be able to avoid it for ever, and therefore don’t need to work out what injured it in the first place is another matter, but not one I need to tackle right now. It’s going to take some time to get back to being OK, but the voice inside my head telling me that my weight “means” something, and that the number on the scales needs to get smaller, and that it somehow reflects my worth as a human, is already getting quieter, and more infrequent. I will get better, and it will be OK.
Some disclaimers – this is my reality, not yours. I have seen Macro counting work amazingly in others, and RP, and Zone, and Paleo and Atkins, and a plethora of other diets. Just ‘eating’ for you might be a really bad idea. It might be the exact opposite of what being healthy means for you. Eating disorders are very real, and very damaging, and truly life threatening. If this is you, I hope you get the support you need and have the courage to talk to someone about it. But this is not that, and I am not trying to make light of those issues, or suggest that having one coffee with a friend will make everything better. What I am trying to do is explain that everyone has their ‘thing’. This is one of mine. Maybe, sharing this might help you to reflect on your own relationship with food, maybe it’ll mean someone realises they are not alone, perhaps it’ll just give you a different perspective.
At no point did my coach, or my friends, or my Crossfit community suggest I had to change my diet and start counting Macros. In fact, one of the genuinely enlightening thing I find about Crossfit is the complete absence of focus on what you look like or how much you weigh. The only thing that ‘matters’ is how you move and the effort you put in. Any celebration is focused on the awesome things your body is able to do, the only weights discussed are those that you are lifting, and there is no pressure to do anything other than what works for and is right for you as an individually amazing human.
There have been a lot of unformulated thoughts floating round in this average crossfitter’s brain since the open. Pretty fragmented, unconnected, incomplete, and not ready to be put to paper.
The results of the open, and a couple of other competitions I’ve done, started to play on my mind. I find it hard to reconcile a realistic view of where I am as a Crossfitter. Despite empirical evidence (rankings/results), I find a lot of excuses as to why it they are not real results. When I tell people how I’ve done, I always find myself qualifying – “but, that doesn’t really count because…”
Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusions that I am (or that I ever will be) an elite athlete, or could compete with the top Crossfitters in New Zealand, let alone the World, but I do find it near impossible to react objectively to results.
I’m not entirely sure if this comes from a place of not wanting people to think that I believe I am better than I am, or trying to provide context for people so they don’t have an expectation that I can’t live up to, or more basic than that – trying to protect myself from perceived failure.
Certainly something to explore further, but while wrestling with this, a big chunk of how I define my world changed seemingly overnight. My second home, Crossfit Reebok Canterbury, was closing.
Last view of this place before 6am class.
It’s taking me a long time to dissect what that means to me, and I don’t think it has all been unravelled yet.
Obviously there is the tangible; find a new box to continue my crossfit out of. Primarily selected based on logistics, close to home with a short trip to work, 6am classes with Open Gym afterwards so I can keep up with the accessory stuff that keeps me moving.
After working with the same coach for the last 4 years, and getting to the point that he knows my, as I call them, “unique” co-ordination abilities, and that we both understand my goals and what I am prepared to put into this gambit, it is daunting to be losing that relationship.
Add to that the fact that my perception of the box that logistically is the best fit, is of it being ‘ultra-competitive’ and full of Instagram-able people – not my tribe at all – and that no-one else from the tight knit crew I train with would be heading there.
Talk about insecurity overdrive!
But its not just that – that bit is just Crossfit (albeit with lots of intriguing thoughts to explore about who I am, what is my Why, what my goals are, how do I relate to others) – I feel “off” for weeks. I am not talking to my partner about my head-space because I don’t understand it. I prioritize CrossFit, my crew, and building myself a space somewhere new, over everything else – bye bye life balance.
My relationship suffers, I suffer, my partner suffers. I feel silly that this is having such an impact on me and my life, and a lot of energy is being spent trying to get used to a new box, and new people, new coaches, and a whole new daily routine, leaving little left over. I feel emotionally exhausted.
I’m only now starting to piece together what it all means. It’s a real sense of loss. I’m losing my connection with a bunch of people that have helped me grow, get me through burnout, picked me up when I’ve been down, supported me when I’ve been struggling, cheered for me when I’ve done well, given me life advice, helped me understand some of what’s been going on in my brain, and generally had a really big impact on who I am. Basically, this group of people form the basis of what I want this blog to be about.
Sure – we’ll stay in touch, but I know it is going to be different. Already the daily check-ins, chats via messenger, have dwindled to weekly, and over time that will dwindle down to the odd facebook post. Even with those that have become close friends, we now have to schedule time to get together, in addition to heading to crossfit, and work, and life. There are only so many hours in the week, and fitting everything in gets difficult.
What was one of my comfort zones, even with the concept of getting comfortable with the uncomfortableness of CrossFit within it, has gone. It took years to build that up, to mold it and be molded by it, to feel as though I truly belonged, As an extreme introvert and someone who has often felt out of place, there is genuine fear and uncertainty that it won’t be able to be replicated. There is nothing to do but feel the fear and do it anyway – but it is hard work, and unsettling, and a bit sad.
I really miss you guys!
Onwards and upwards though – there are a load of new opportunities. In terms of CrossFit; new coaches, new skills, new training, new ways of approaching things, as well as opportunities for yet more personal growth and an impetus to revisit my goals, my why, and of course an opportunity to widen my CrossFit community and form new friendships.
Having been at my new box for a few weeks, it turns out that those Instagram-able people are also really friendly, the 6am crew have all been very welcoming, and a team of Masters Athletes have made a real effort to make sure I feel included. The coaches are learning about me, and are nothing but supportive, and I am learning how they work too. I’m slowly finding my feet, and beginning to believe that these could be my people, and that perhaps I can belong. It took years to build up my second home at my last box and feel like part of the furniture, and it will take time before that happens at my new one – but I am now feeling optimistic that it can happen and that, as I’ve found before, if I get involved and just focus on enjoying the journey the outcome will sort itself.
The initial turmoil is over and life is starting to settle down. I am finding my new normal, and even enjoying some of the challenges that doing things differently provides. I have regained some balance, and perspective. My relationship is back on track and life is good, leaving me some space and energy to tackle whatever is next.
Just like that, the 2019 CrossFit Open is over. It has been a real experience for me this year, sparking the idea to start this blog, challenging me in ways I could never imagine, providing countless moments of happiness (and pain) and giving me a real sense of belonging.
19.5 was a world of physical hurt, but my experiences over the previous 4 weeks meant I knew how to prepare mentally and went into it with a solid game-plan based on me and my abilities. I visualized how it would feel, and what I was going to do to get through that, and at the end of 18-something minutes I felt exhausted, but thrilled to have executed as well as I could on the day.
Now that the chalk has settled – I have had a chance to physically recover and reflect on the process. I have also poured over the scoreboard, comparing results from previous years, analyzing statistics, percentages, and seeing “where I sit”. The major difference doing this now, compared to 5 weeks ago? I am not defining myself by the score. It is useful feedback to see where my strengths and weaknesses are, to validate the training I’ve put in over the last year, and to have something objective I can pull out and look back at later, and it also highlights the fact that the score isn’t everything. That disastrous WOD – the result wasn’t particularly different to 19.4 where I was happy with my performance. Rowing and Wallballs – that was actually my third best result. Not what I would have picked based on my emotionally response, but it shows how futile linking feeling good to your score is and why focusing on how you execute is likely to lead to a happier human.
As a whole it has been immensely satisfying taking part – not only because of the personal growth, but also because I am damn proud to be part of a community where people challenge themselves and achieve things they never thought possible, all the while supporting each other with a genuine lack of ego.
My Reebok CrossFit Canterbury Family
One of the externally small, but internally massive achievements for me this year, was overcoming my insecurities (for short moments at least) around by body image, allowing me to – when I really felt I had to – go into “shirts off WOD” mode. This might not seem a big thing, and I suspect the majority of the people around me barely noticed but for me I conquered a huge obstacle with this one.
What goes on inside my head around body image, food, and related self worth is a topic I will explore in the future – but is too gnarly to share space with what is intended to be an uplifting reflective piece on the Crossfit Open, so instead: a report card.
CrossFit Open 2019
Proudest moment(s):
Being brave enough to put myself, my headspace, my thoughts, out into the world with this Blog.
Helping someone else to reflect on their own journey of Crossfit and achieve great things.
Learning from the occasions where things didn’t go right, and executing the changes I wanted to make.
Toughest moment:
19.4 – after the Christchurch Terrorist Attack
Lessons Learnt:
Have your plan – Just do you
Mentally prepare – How will it feel?
Be present in the moment, stick to one thing – Every. Rep.
Focus on the process, not the outcome – Have fun
Cherish people and community, we can and we will, be better humans – Kia Kaha
Thank-you to all the people that made my Crossfit Open a huge success. I hope, that in some small way, I am able to give something back to each of you.
I have struggled to find the words for this week’s blog – this week it is not about Crossfit. I am somewhat embarrassed now, looking back at last week’s entry; my comment that good days don’t last was made with no comprehension that an event so terrible, of such a scale, and so close to home could transpire.
I am a Cantabrian, I have lived in Christchurch for close to 30 years, it is my home, my community, my place.
It was shortly after checking the Crossfit Games site for 19.4, messaging my coach to share my excitement about the workout, sharing with friends that it included “my favourite things”, that the news of a shooting starting trickling through. Initially, I assumed (as I think a lot of us did), that it was someone with an individual beef, a single gun shot, maybe one person injured – big news in our little city certainly, and horrible, but contained, not earth shattering.
I checked with a guy I knew who I was pretty sure attended the Al Noor Mosque to see if he was there, that he was OK, and asked if he knew if one of my workmates was alright. If I had known then what I know now I would never have sent those messages, although I am grateful that, physically at least, they are both OK. He had more important things to be focusing on than answering random texts from me, but as always, he put others before himself and is such a genuinely good human being that he would never have even entertained the notion of ignoring me.
The reality started dawning on us that this was something else, this was truly horrific, unimaginable. This was Terrorism. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, no one was working, we were all trying to get information, checking on people, trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
Not in Christchurch – Not in New Zealand – Not this – Not here – Not us
I am one of the lucky few who has not been directly impacted by the murder of 50 people in my city. I know people who were there, who survived. I class them as friends, but we are not close, we are workmates, Facebook friends, and because of that part of me feels I do not have the right to be as affected by this as I am, but this is huge, life-changing, I’m not sure I understand the world any more.
Friday night, and as the city is reeling, our little community of Crossfitters debates whether the Saturday morning throwdown of 19.4 should go ahead or not. Eventually, after much soul searching and discussion, we decide that it will. In part, as a show of solidarity that Terror and Hate will not, and does not, define us and that we will carry on – forever changed, but resolute in our condemnation of such acts of violence. In part to give us an opportunity to gather as a community to support each other, to pay our respect to the people that have died, and acknowledge the terrible loss that our city and our country has experienced. We decide to sponsor each other for the WOD, with every rep completed meaning a donation to Victim Support. This is the only time the score will really matter.
Saturday morning at the box was subdued, with people sharing their experiences of being in lock-down at work, their children being in lock-down in schools, and telling their stories of the previous day. We shared our disbelief and grief at this happening at all, and the shock at it happening in Christchurch. After taking time to acknowledge the attack, and to have a minutes silence for the victims, we got on and did what we do. We embrace differences, we share in people’s troubles and triumphs and we support each other – always.
Friday, week three of the open, training has been going well but I am feeling emotionally exhausted. It has been a big week at work with a lot of ‘peopleing’ and, contrary to popular belief, I am quite the introvert. I simply haven’t had the chance to recharge and that means I am taking everything personally and feel that I am doing everything wrong. By the time lunchtime rolls round, I am almost in tears and feeling overwhelmed by life. This does not bode well for Saturday, although at this point, I don’t really care.
I’m in a meeting, feeling as though all of my decisions are being questioned, when 19.3 gets announced. I check the CrossFit site as a distraction from my negative thoughts. The workout is actually pretty good for me, a case of getting on and getting as much of it done as I can. I’m excited, there is no reason why I can’t do well. The negativity gets pushed aside for a bit, although I’m still feeling shattered and can’t wait to get home, where I’m glad to be able to be silent and alone for a while.
Saturday morning, and, compared to the previous weeks, I am feeling grounded, determined, centered. By articulating what has been going on in my head in this blog, I have been forced to truly reflect and analyse my thoughts, their impact on me and my performance. I have grown a lot, and understand more about myself than before.
Today, all my goals are process based, I don’t even think about an end objective. I think about how it’s going to feel, when it’s going to hurt, and what I’m going to do when it does – just keep going! A brief message from my coach to enjoy, along with a simple rep plan, sets me up with the right strategy and a reminder that I’m doing this for fun.
Waiting for the “3,2,1 Go” I’m relaxed, smiling, enjoying the atmosphere. The timer starts and I get into my work. When my brain starts to wander to ‘what’s next’, I refocus on the rep I’m doing, I breathe. I’m immensely grateful to my judge, who has read my blog, and helps me out by repeating “Every Rep” – keeping me grounded. I make every move, including stepping back to gasp for air, deliberate, measured, controlled.
Time is called – I’m elated. I have stuck to my plan, followed through with the lessons I’ve learnt the previous weeks, and feel as though I couldn’t have done anything any better. I am surrounded by a group of amazing athletes; high fives, smiles, pats on the back. I’m not sure they realise just how much this means to me, to belong, to be part of something that is so selfless, so supportive, so genuine. This community, this ‘cult’, builds people up in a way I haven’t experienced anywhere before.
Today is a good day. This is a good feeling. This is my why.
But, like everything, it is only temporary. In just the same way as one bad day doesn’t necessarily mean that the next day will be a bad day, today being a good day does not guarantee that tomorrow will be too. I am going to enjoy it, relish it, appreciate it, but then put it in the Hell-yeah bucket and move on. It is a case of continuing to be mindful, of focusing on what is important, of being grounded in the moment and always learning, moving forward. I can’t wait to see what next week brings.
19.2 and it’s a workout that looks right in my wheelhouse. Headspace is feeling better, and I’ve picked targets for things I can control – not the end score, or placing, but what I am going to do in the wod: sets of 5 toes-to-bar (ttb), unbroken double unders, singles for the lifts. Do that and the score will follow. I prepared myself for the squats to hurt, and reminded myself that I am capable of driving through it.
The workout started well. Toes-to-bar were good, I nailed the skipping unbroken, the 40kg Squat Cleans felt ok, I got into a rhythm and worked through them. Round two and I adjusted ttb to match how I was feeling, it was still going well. I tripped once on the skipping, but otherwise hung on till the end. The barbell was heavy and my first lift was a bit ropey, but the second was back on track. My coach was in my ear reminding me to focus on one thing – getting my elbows through was my only job. It was going ok – then just 3 lifts to go. I started thinking that I might make the time cap and get to the next round, then, that I was tired, and it was hard, and then, I forgot to think about the lifts at all (despite my coaches best efforts!).
Failed lift.
Deep breath – still heaps of time. I picked up the bar but didn’t put 100% effort or focus into the mechanics of the lift. My brain was all about: I have to make it, I don’t think I can, grip and rip.
Failed Lift.
I nod at my coach when he says to focus on elbows, hearing it, but not acting on it. Then I go through the lift with the exact same thought pattern…and with the same result.
Time’s up.
I’m gutted. Physically I could have done it, I feel like I’ve let down my coach, and myself – we’d talked about this, I know this, I can do better, and once again my headspace lets me down.
Queue the internal argument: “It’s a skill I have to learn, and practice, and it is unreasonable to expect myself to get it right all the time” vs “I should have done better, I’m not good enough, and my coach won’t want to keep putting effort into someone who doesn’t get it”
Then the angst:
Do I redo it? But what if I do worse? What if it happens again? If I redo, am I going against my “why” and my aim for the open? I will have other opportunities to practice that mindset…do I throw this one in the fuck-it bucket and move on? What’s best for me, for the long game?
Interestingly, compared to last week, I am not really worried about the actual score. My mind is entirely focused on what could have been (or the way my inner critic phrases it: what I should have done). On reflection I could take this as a positive – my plan was to focus on the process, not the outcome, and I’ve certainly achieved that. I am disappointed in execution and I’m not thinking of the end result.
That answers the question of a redo for me – changing the score isn’t going to change the disappointment of the execution, but I can learn from it and put myself in situations, and the mindset, to practice putting 100% focus into every lift / every rep, in training and in competition.
I now have a new Mantra: “Every. Rep.”
That’s my queue to focus on “the one thing” for the execution of that rep, whether it be Squat Cleans (elbows through hard), TTB (feet together in the arch), Box Step Overs (stay low) or Skipping (relax the jaw).
Average Crossfit Junkie 