19.1 rolled round and I was already in a bad spot. I’ve just turned 40, and at the young end of a master’s category. I feel like I’ve been training hard, and I should be able to smash it – right? I started thinking other people expected me to do well – I mean, they’ve seen be putting in work after class. That means I’m at some other level, or at least I must think I am, so I better prove it. If I don’t smash it, I’ve been wasting my coaches time, and will be letting him down, and therefore am less of a person.

Reality: I spend an extra 20 or so minutes after class working through the active life hips program – so that I can bend down and tie up my shoes without being in pain, so that I can hit something that resembles a reasonable range of motion and actually complete movements to meet standards.

I spend another 20 min on skills – either lifting or gymnastics, because I want to get better (not just fitter) and it is simply more fun when you can do things and that’s not going to happen if I don’t spend time practicing.

Neither of these things are going to take me from an average CrossFitter to an elite athlete, so why do I think that’s what is expected of me, and why do I expect it of myself?

19.1 hurt…a lot… My brain wasn’t fully in the game; I was overthinking things, trying to downplay what was going on in my head, and overcompensating for the internal (unrealistic) expectations by avoiding thinking about the wod at all, not setting any targets, even targets that weren’t score related, and certainly not thinking about how it was going to feel and how I wanted to respond.

Luckily for me, the community of Crossfit means that I have some pretty amazing friends that I can talk to about this stuff, and I’ve been through enough life to know that the best way to get out of my own head, is to share what’s going on in it.

The realisation that when I was saying expectations of “other people”, I was actually meaning myself, came through a simple line of questioning. Other people – What people? Who?

A reminder to “just do you”, helped me to refocus on my why – what am I wanting to get out of the open this year and why am I doing it.

The acknowledgement from my coach that I was feeling disappointed by my result was followed by the reality check that I was never going to crush a rowing and wallball WOD and therefore shouldn’t be too disappointed. This meant I felt understood and wasn’t “just being silly”, while setting some reasonable expectations.

By now, I was starting to get a more balanced perspective, and my coach picking up on the key takeaways for me – learning to rowing consistently, and that most importantly, I learn how to psychologically prepare, helped to solidify my thoughts and bring me back to a more positive space. Bring on next week and 19.2.