Ahhh – that’s it!

Have Fun

Be fiercely, fearlessly me

My last post was about losing sight of “my why” – of what is important to me, what I am trying to achieve, and how I value myself.

I spoke to a lot of people about where my headspace was, about how I was feeling, what I was saying to myself, and where I wanted to be. Taking the time to articulate this, to reflect and analyse and acknowledge those feelings is invaluable, and the only way to move forward. There was a group of amazing humans who helped me with that journey, and I am grateful that this crazy sport introduced me to them and I am proud to call them friends.

It was still a battle, it wasn’t a sudden – everything is fine now – but I made progress. Each time I spoke about it / thought about it gave the negative thoughts less power, and my true self more. I gave myself some time before tackling the next couple of workouts, and focused on the process. By the time I entered my scores, I was feeling content – I had done a thing. I had done a thing to the best of my ability on the day. I hadn’t given up. I was still a bit disappointed that I wasn’t ‘better’, but content that this was the reality, and that it was OK. I was focused on the process for the next round, and not letting myself get tied up in outcomes.

Round 2, and I genuinely enjoyed the workouts – they were tough, my body decided it had had enough, but I enjoyed them. I celebrated the wins – my wins – and didn’t compare them to anyone else.

I kept pushing longer than I thought I could – even though it was hard.
5m handstand walks were not an issue – the work I’ve put into these paid off.
I did some muscle ups – and surprised myself.
I lifted close to my 1RM – and moved well.

I did check where I ended up on the leader-board at the end, and I was happy, with where I sit and more importantly with how I felt about that. I have definitely been fitter, stronger and been able to do more in the past. Sometimes it is still mentally challenging to not take that as a failure, but more often than not, I am able to recognize it for what it is, and why I am doing it. I was never in this to compete – just to do the thing and see where I am at.

I am an Average Crossfit Junkie, who loves seeing what my body is capable of, who relishes the connections with people I do it with, who wants to continue learning, and practicing, and doing.

Another 2 down,1 to go…

20.4 is in the bank, and since I posted my self assessment from 20.2 I’ve done two open workouts, taken part in an individual competition, and started work on answering one of the tough questions I’ve posed myself. A post on “Why” is underway, but it is hard work – and is going to be a while.

In the meantime, I’ve been continuing day to day training – both physical and mental. The Crusaders Individual competition in Christchurch challenged my mindset. I was nervous of what others were going to think of me, that I would embarrass myself, that I would fail. To refocus on me, and my why, I again framed what success was going to look like for me. My main goal was to keep a positive mindset, to keep practicing strong thinking, to focus on me and my performance, and above all of that, have some fun. I had a self-enforced a leader-board blackout so I had no option but to evaluate how I’d gone in each WOD on my terms.

I had some significant wins:

I stuck to DB Jerks for shoulder to overhead when in the past, I’ve reverted to Push Press because I haven’t been able to get my brain to get into the right rhythm.
I pushed myself harder than I thought I could – and didn’t die. I did spend a good 3 minutes doing a great fish out of water imitation at the end of it though!
After failing a first attempt, I composed myself and lifted 5kg more than I had in training.

But most importantly, I enjoyed myself, was proud of my efforts, and stuck to what was important to me.

Two days later, and I’m ready to tackle the open. 20.3 was a matter of making sure I didn’t over-commit at any point while still getting on with doing the work to the best of my ability. The movement standard meant that I had to put 100% into each and every rep, and that’s what I did. Being a 2018 repeat gave me the perfect opportunity to compare me vs me – with a significant improvement – and meant I had a real feeling of accomplishment, and validation that my hard work does indeed pay off.

Not looking at the leaderboard is helping me stay in my own head, reducing the comparisons, and muting the inner critic. I’m starting to only focus on the things within my control, and feeling much better for it.

Fast forward to Friday and the 20.4 announcement. I’m really excited about the workout and, because of what the workout is, it’s not a strategic one for me. I’ll be able to lift the weight I can lift and its not going to make much of a difference how quickly (or slowly) I get there.

Then I get nervous – really nervous. Initially, I’m not sure why. Previously I would try and avoid the feeling, overcompensate by pretending I had everything together, and inevitably be disappointed in the resulting performance. But this time, I force myself to focus on what I’m feeling and try and unpick it.

It’s hard for me to put together a plan so I feel like I have no control.
I’m struggling to imagine how it’s going to feel so I don’t know how to prepare.
I’m comparing myself to the much stronger athletes in my heat so I lose focus on me.

Once I work out the cause of the nervousness, I realise I can combat it.

Make a plan – it doesn’t have to be the perfect plan, and it can change. Just have one to start with and adapt as I go.
Think – I might not know how I’m going to feel by the time I get to Pistols, and I might not know what’s going to happen when I do, but I do know how box jumps feel and I do know how to assess how I’m feeling mid wod, so focus on that.
Stay in my lane – play my own game and stick to thinking about the things within my control.

I feel better, still nervous, but excited, with a purpose and ready to attack what’s in front of me.

Part way through I notice myself looking up, seeing where other people are at, comparing, judging myself, so I refocus and repeat to myself to “stay in my lane”. It works. I come back to me and I feel determined, composed, and get back into my work.

Afterwards, I am happy with how I went, and when people ask me my response is “I’m stoked”….but there is something niggling away at me, there is something else there, I’m not elated. Again, I force myself to analyse the feeling, and then I work it out – I’m disappointed. Not in my performance, but that despite it being my best I’d like for it to be more.

I’m trying to re-frame this thought when I realise it’s OK, I’m allowed. I’m allowed to be disappointed. I am not berating myself about the fact I “should” have been better, I’m looking at it as a learning opportunity – what can I do to get better. I even allow myself to say this out loud the next time someone asks “I did all that I can expect of myself, it’s a bit disappointing that I’m not stronger, but that’s the long game and it was 100% my best for now”

Once again, I feel as though I am growing a lot over the period of the open – not in what I can do physically, although I am pushing the boundaries of what I thought my limits were – but in my mindset. I am taking some of the lessons and putting them into practice. I am acknowledging that, just like anything new, I am not going to get it right all the time, and that that is OK. I am challenging myself to face up to my feelings, and because of that, making positive steps forward. I am focusing on my why and getting satisfaction out of my performances as a result.

But just like getting physically stronger, this is a long game. It doesn’t finish when the open does. I need to keep pushing forward, answer those gnarly questions, continue practicing good thought patterns, and facing my inner critic.

I don’t want to be back here next year.

It’s been a while…

There have been plenty of triggers over the last few months that are worthy of inspection, reflection and sharing – but I’ve been perfectly happy sweeping them under the rug, polishing the floorboards, and presenting a tidy and uncluttered house.

There was the Masters League competition that I got an ego kicking in, not to mention the roller-coaster impact of leader-boarding on my Psyche. Various new box, new coaches, new people challenges and wins, as well as angsting over whether or not to decline a competition invite.

The ostrich strategy appeared to be working though, and life was ticking along nicely. I was making some good gains in the box, had a fantastic holiday with my boyfriend lined up, there would be a good few weeks before the next competition and I was feeling good.

I got sick – one week out from a two week vacation – not really ill, but sick enough I couldn’t train. It started playing on my mind; this now means I am having three weeks off , I’m going to lose a lot in three weeks… Nothing I could do about it though, and I wasn’t about to interrupt our holiday with training. Between work, my crossfit obsession and general life, the two of us don’t get a lot of time to just hang-out together during the year – so holidays away are treasured, crossfit takes a break, and we spend quality time together.

The holiday was fabulous! Relaxed time together, great sights, adventures, amazing weather, obligatory handstands, genuine fun – and food…so much food.

As soon as we hit the ground in Christchurch we both agreed we needed to get nutrition back on point; a few weeks without takeaways and desserts was in order. I vowed that I wasn’t going to weigh myself, but would take ‘progress’ photos instead – much better for my headspace. I hit the gym.

Let the mind games begin…

Day One and I was nervous about even turning up – everyone would notice how fat I was and how lazy I must have been. Queue epic fail (thankfully not a physical injury) on box jumps so the whole class notices my lack of co-ordination. I felt as though all my fitness, strength and skills had disappeared.

Day Two and I am still very conscious of the change in body composition and worry about what I am going to wear, but I start to get back into the swing of things. Fitness still feels woeful, and strength and skills are AWOL, but I am at least getting some co-ordination back.

Week Two and it’s all still feeling rough. Then I have a WOD that I have scaled to what I think is reasonable for me post-holiday. It is a grind. I take big rests. I don’t finish. And I don’t cope well. It takes a lot to not burst into tears. I beat myself up about it for the rest of the day – both for my efforts, and for my reaction.

I weigh myself.

I start stressing over food. I eat what I’ve planned to, but I am still hungry and don’t know what I should eat – so don’t. Now I am hungry, tired, grumpy, listening to the inner voice that tells me I’m fat and therefore ‘less’, and I realise the Crossfit Open is right around the corner, and another big competition is only 3 weeks away.

I’m unsure about even signing up for the open, me now feels like less than me last time – so even if I do manage to leave my ego at home, me Vs me is not going to come out on top, and is not going to be good enough.

I’m battling. I keep turning up, but I am battling.

I have a meltdown during lifting – things were actually going pretty awesome, then I put 40 kg on the bar. I baulked. I baulked again. I dropped the weight down. I baulked again. My coach had a word; I competed the lift, but I didn’t celebrate, I dropped my head, criticized myself, and walked away defeated.

I was, quite rightly, called out on my attitude – but it stung, I wasn’t in a place I could take it constructively, and I broke down. Not a proud moment. Not how I want to react.

I kept turning up, but also kept telling myself I wasn’t in a good headspace, and still didn’t actually do anything to change it. I figured if I put in the physical work, the headspace would come right. To some extent it did. I had a couple of small personal wins, I asked for help with my nutrition, and I started feeling better. Just enough that I could go back to glossing over it and not have to actually work on it. I sign up for the open, because that’s what someone who has got it together would do. Not signing up would suggest I still had work to do on my mental game.

The Open starts tomorrow.

Crap. This is going to sting.