20.4 is in the bank, and since I posted my self assessment from 20.2 I’ve done two open workouts, taken part in an individual competition, and started work on answering one of the tough questions I’ve posed myself. A post on “Why” is underway, but it is hard work – and is going to be a while.

In the meantime, I’ve been continuing day to day training – both physical and mental. The Crusaders Individual competition in Christchurch challenged my mindset. I was nervous of what others were going to think of me, that I would embarrass myself, that I would fail. To refocus on me, and my why, I again framed what success was going to look like for me. My main goal was to keep a positive mindset, to keep practicing strong thinking, to focus on me and my performance, and above all of that, have some fun. I had a self-enforced a leader-board blackout so I had no option but to evaluate how I’d gone in each WOD on my terms.

I had some significant wins:

• I stuck to DB Jerks for shoulder to overhead when in the past, I’ve reverted to Push Press because I haven’t been able to get my brain to get into the right rhythm.
• I pushed myself harder than I thought I could – and didn’t die. I did spend a good 3 minutes doing a great fish out of water imitation at the end of it though!
• After failing a first attempt, I composed myself and lifted 5kg more than I had in training.

But most importantly, I enjoyed myself, was proud of my efforts, and stuck to what was important to me.

Two days later, and I’m ready to tackle the open. 20.3 was a matter of making sure I didn’t over-commit at any point while still getting on with doing the work to the best of my ability. The movement standard meant that I had to put 100% into each and every rep, and that’s what I did. Being a 2018 repeat gave me the perfect opportunity to compare me vs me – with a significant improvement – and meant I had a real feeling of accomplishment, and validation that my hard work does indeed pay off.

Not looking at the leaderboard is helping me stay in my own head, reducing the comparisons, and muting the inner critic. I’m starting to only focus on the things within my control, and feeling much better for it.

Fast forward to Friday and the 20.4 announcement. I’m really excited about the workout and, because of what the workout is, it’s not a strategic one for me. I’ll be able to lift the weight I can lift and its not going to make much of a difference how quickly (or slowly) I get there.

Then I get nervous – really nervous. Initially, I’m not sure why. Previously I would try and avoid the feeling, overcompensate by pretending I had everything together, and inevitably be disappointed in the resulting performance. But this time, I force myself to focus on what I’m feeling and try and unpick it.

• It’s hard for me to put together a plan so I feel like I have no control.
• I’m struggling to imagine how it’s going to feel so I don’t know how to prepare.
• I’m comparing myself to the much stronger athletes in my heat so I lose focus on me.

Once I work out the cause of the nervousness, I realise I can combat it.

• Make a plan – it doesn’t have to be the perfect plan, and it can change. Just have one to start with and adapt as I go.
• Think – I might not know how I’m going to feel by the time I get to Pistols, and I might not know what’s going to happen when I do, but I do know how box jumps feel and I do know how to assess how I’m feeling mid wod, so focus on that.
• Stay in my lane – play my own game and stick to thinking about the things within my control.

I feel better, still nervous, but excited, with a purpose and ready to attack what’s in front of me.

Part way through I notice myself looking up, seeing where other people are at, comparing, judging myself, so I refocus and repeat to myself to “stay in my lane”. It works. I come back to me and I feel determined, composed, and get back into my work.

Afterwards, I am happy with how I went, and when people ask me my response is “I’m stoked”….but there is something niggling away at me, there is something else there, I’m not elated. Again, I force myself to analyse the feeling, and then I work it out – I’m disappointed. Not in my performance, but that despite it being my best I’d like for it to be more.

I’m trying to re-frame this thought when I realise it’s OK, I’m allowed. I’m allowed to be disappointed. I am not berating myself about the fact I “should” have been better, I’m looking at it as a learning opportunity – what can I do to get better. I even allow myself to say this out loud the next time someone asks “I did all that I can expect of myself, it’s a bit disappointing that I’m not stronger, but that’s the long game and it was 100% my best for now”

Once again, I feel as though I am growing a lot over the period of the open – not in what I can do physically, although I am pushing the boundaries of what I thought my limits were – but in my mindset. I am taking some of the lessons and putting them into practice. I am acknowledging that, just like anything new, I am not going to get it right all the time, and that that is OK. I am challenging myself to face up to my feelings, and because of that, making positive steps forward. I am focusing on my why and getting satisfaction out of my performances as a result.

But just like getting physically stronger, this is a long game. It doesn’t finish when the open does. I need to keep pushing forward, answer those gnarly questions, continue practicing good thought patterns, and facing my inner critic.

I don’t want to be back here next year.